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Dear Julie,

I have been seeing a lady for a month now and she is lovely and we are getting along really well. I have been separated for three months and have two kids who are 4 and 6 years old who live with my wife. I get along reasonably well with my wife who takes great care of the kids and has been great about me seeing them etc My problem is that my new girlfriend says she wants to be a part of my Christmas Day and I have said I would spend it with my ex and the kids. She has suggested that either I have the kids with us on Christmas Day or that she comes with me to my ex wife’s house. My wife knows I have a girlfriend but suggested that we just have Christmas without partners with the kids to keep it simple for them just for now as it is so early and such an emotional time of year. I have not asked my ex wife but , I know what the response will be as she had already asked me to spend the day with her and the kids and our families and we have done for years as she said the kids would really like it would less traumatic for them than having to spend it alone with each of us for this first year apart. What do I tell my new girlfriend ? I don’t want to upset her. I don’t want to upset my kids either. My new girlfriend thinks that my ex and the kids need to get use to her and it might as well be now ! She says she does not want to spend Christmas Day alone.

Steve from Kempsie

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Steve,

You seem like a very nice, sensitive person who is trying to make everyone happy. The problem is sometimes you can’t make everyone happy, and at times like Christmas, when everyone wants you to be with them, it can be hard. I can see everyone’s point of view in this situation. However, the people that matter the most are your kids.

You should do what is best for them, especially as they are so young and this is such a special time of year for them. I agree with your wife that ideally and if possible, keeping things simple without the introduction of new partners would be best for the kids right now. Eventually if your relationship is stable they will meet your new partner and there will be next Christmas for all of this to happen.

Your separation has only been for three months and your children are very young, so the introduction of new partners at this special time could be stressful for them and distracting when it is not necessary. I think your new girlfriend should be understanding, given the young ages of your children and the newness of your relationship with her. It is always difficult juggling a new partner with your children, but if the new partner wants to become part of your family she will need to understanding of your need to put the children’s needs before yours or hers, as parents must do.

Perhaps you could organize to have a late dinner with your girlfriend after you spend the day with the children. Most young children go to bed early after such an early and exciting day – that way you are spending time with everyone.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

My wife and I have been having problems for over a year now, but now they are almost unbearable. We have two kids 6 and & 10 and I love the boys. I think my biggest problem is my work. I am a truck driver and so I am away a lot and a lot of weekends. I think it is ruining our marriage the fact I am away so much. I took this job driving interstate as it paid more money and my wife wanted so much to buy our dream home and I needed to get a higher wage to get the huge loan we needed. Now with the new interest rates I see that I’m going to have to drive 24 hours a day seven days a week to keep up the payments on the house. My wife says if she loses the house she will be really upset. I think the house is a curse as I don’t see my boys or my wife and feel like I have to live in my truck to support it all. Before this we were renting and I think really happy. I love my wife and kids but does she love me? I am starting to wonder whether I am just a cheque book.

Richard from Wyong

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Richard,

I am so sorry about your situation. I know you are trying so hard to please your family that you are literally killing yourself to keep it all up. I have seen the strain high interest rates places on families and it is not pretty.

I am sure your wife loves you. Most women love the security of a lovely family home and of course we hate to lose it – that does not mean she would prefer to lose you. I think your solution is right. If you simply can’t afford the house and you feel you are losing your wife and kids then it would be better to sell and rent for a while. I have heard of cases where people have sold their houses and were even able to rent them back for much less than the repayments, so maybe that is an idea for you. Would you consider family counselling? I think it would be really helpful to get you back on track and so both of you really understand that you have each other’s and the kids’ interests in your hearts. Houses come and go, but families are forever. You can make a house a home whether you rent it or own it, and it is the home that counts, not the house. According to our Fisher Rebuilding statistics, the one biggest cause of divorce is financial problems, so don’t let it cause a divorce in your marriage if you can help it.

Good luck,Julie

Dear Julie,

My husband is an alcoholic. We have 2 children and my life has been hell for years. What I can’t seem to do is bring my self to leave. I hate myself for it all the time. But every time I get up the courage to leave he seems to have a sixth sense and starts begging he to stay with him and telling me he loves me and can’t live with out me. How do I get the strength to leave. I hate the kids seeing him upset so I go back. My dad was an alcoholic when I was a kid. I should have known better. I swore I would never be with anyone who was a drunk ! My mum left him and he went to AA and got better. My parents keep telling me this to try and get me to do it. My parents are very supportive and have said we can go and live with them when I leave him. Why can’t I .

Helen from Curtin

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Helen,

Do not be so hard on yourself, because this is a very difficult time and situation for you. I’m sorry you are going through this. What I really think you need to do for yourself is to start going to Al Anon, which is a support group for the partners of alcoholics. You will find a lot of support and information there to help you.

Your comment that you should known better than to have got involved with a drunk is not a new situation for children of alcoholics. Statistically, children of alcoholics run the highest risk of getting into a relationship with another alcoholic. One of the reasons you are finding it hard to leave is that as a child of an alcoholic you were conditioned to be very loyal. This loyalty is more a result of fear and insecurity than anything else; but the behaviour is that nobody leaves just because the going gets tough. This keeps you in a relationship that is better dissolved. You feel that if someone cares enough about you that you have an obligation to stay with them forever. The fact they treat you poorly does not matter. You can rationalize that. However, all of this reinforces your negative self-image and enables you to stay in the relationship.

To break the cycle you need to work on yourself, with the help of Al Anon, to change your actions and reactions and develop your self esteem. You are making a major decision, so take time, get as much help as you can from Al Anon, read as much material as you can from them to help you, and accept the love and support of your parents who have been through all of this too.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

It’s my first Christmas separated from my wife and I don’t know what to do about getting her a present from the kids. We have three girls 2, 4, and 6 and my wife use to buy herself something and wrap it up and say it was from me and the kids to her. I asked if she wanted to do this for this year and she said she doesn’t feel it’s appropriate any more. I don’t know what to buy her or what is appropriate from an ex husband but think I should get her something from the kids. Do you have any gift suggestions ?

Bill from Greensborough

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Bill,

Why don’t you take the kids out shopping and let them pick something for their mum? I promise you the 6 year old will have some idea what mum likes and they will have a great time shopping with you to get her something. Ask them where they usually go to the shops with mum, or if you take them to the local big shopping centre like Myer or David Jones they will find something from slippers, candles, handbags to perfume or costume jewellery. You can take them to the wrapping department also and have the gift wrapped beautifully which is as good as the gift. You might even get the girls to help pick out gifts suggestions for themselves and each other to help you with that too.

A tip: Try to get to the shops early in the day when the crowds aren’t too bad, because little kids can be upset when they are surrounded by lots of big people. Try to keep the shopping expedition short, and include a stop for a cool drink and a snack.

You will all have lots of fun and your ex will think you are great.

Good luck.

Julie

Hi Julie,

I have been separated for nearly 12 months now. My ex lives in Townsville with my two children ages 5 and 2 ½, and he would not let me take them with me when I left. I now live in South Australia. We are in the process of going to court to see who will have custody of the children. A social workers report has been done and I have been given a copy. It reccommends that the children live with my ex in Townsville. In the report it may me to look a witch and him to look like prince charming. I feel the report is bias and also that he may have been coached in what to say to the Social Worker. He works from 7.30am to 4.00pm if lucky mon - fri. He is living with his parents at the moment and they are doing everything for him like taking the eldest to school and looking after the younger one, she goes to day care 1 day a week. I feel the Social worker has put the grandparents over me. If he gets the children he will not be looking after them. He works for the Army and has a posting in Townsville for 3 years then he will be moved.
I have a court hearing on Monday 19th Nov 2007. the only good thing is that the judge has to make the decision but with this report from the social worker it really does not look good for me. My little boy who is 5 keeps telling me that he wants to live with me. Why couldn’t they have just asked him what he wants.

Can you please advise me on what I can do.

Name withheld

 

 

JULIE’S COMMENT:

 

What a very sad situation you are in. I cannot make any real comment on the report as I have not seen it, but sometimes the way you read a report may not be as bad as you think it is. If you feel the report is biased you may say so and give your reasons why.

 

I do not know why or how you left Townsville, which is so far from your children, or how you manage to see them. What the court does look at under the Act is what is best for the children in the “interests of the children” and that usually means trying to maintain stability in their lives. Moving for them to a place so far from their father and grand parents who are obviously a big part of their lives right now would be a huge change for them. Also remember, children will sometimes say what you want to hear and so your son may say the same thing to both you and your ex – it’s a very hard situation for your son as he no doubts misses you very much.

 

What you need to do is to let the court know, and if you are given the chance again, the person who is doing the report on your family, what you have just put in your email to me. Let them know you are available to care for the kids on a full time basis, that you have a close and loving relationship with them, that your husband can’t care for them on a full time basis and that you feel you are therefore more able to fulfill their needs. Also show how you will be able to encourage and foster their relationship with their father and grandparents to continue. Could you move closer to them? It would be far easier on all of you, and a judge, if the distance between you and the kids were not so great, particularly since the children are so young. Going back to you would mean being separated for long periods from their father and grandparents, whom they are now used to having in their lives.

 

Try to put yourself in your kids’ shoes and see what they are going through. Being with dad means they lose mum and being with mum means they lose dad and their grandparents. All of you are very important to these kids.

 

Good luck,

Julie

 

Dear Julie,

I have just broken up from my de facto boyfriend of 2.5 years and am writing to ask if I have any right to a property settlement from him. He has his own house, a sports car and and his own business. Six months after we were together he told me to give up my job and just concentrate on us. He helped me find a unit to rent and he gave me a cheque for the bond, and he paid the first month’s rent. Can I get anymore from him like half his house ?

Nadine from Bondi

Julie’s Comment

Dear Nadine,

You haven’t really told me whether you contributed to his house, the household expenses or his business. There is a lot of confusion about what rights people have when they live together in a de facto relationship. It is not the same as if you are married. Most people are unaware that legal rights automatically change in a de facto relationship after two years or if the parties have a child together. Financial contribution to assets is a large consideration in de facto relationships, and the benefits that one receives such as housing etc is also taken into account. Mothers are usually the biggest losers in de facto break-ups because they receive less in separation settlements than married women.

Census figures show 76 per cent of Australian couples have lived in de facto relationships and people really need to know what they are getting into. It is possible to enter into “Domestic Relationship Agreements” similar to Pre-nuptial agreements for married couples, and they specify exactly how assets and money shoud be awarded to protect each partner in the event of a separation.
A lot of people are unaware of the legal risk after two years an that they may face financial ruin if the relationship breaks down with expensive litigation.

In answer to your question can you get any more from him, without all the details of your financial and household contributions I can’t tell you that .  But I can tell you if you did not make any financial contributions directly or indirectly (like working in the business), to his house and other assets, as you were together such a short period of time it is unlikely based on the little information you have given.  I would suggest if you want to be sure to see a solicitor with all the information you have prepared.

For further information see the Law Society web site at

http://www.lawsociety.com.au/page.asp?partid=6651

Julie

Dear Julie,

I just feel so guilty being a working mum that some days I just cry and cry. I take the kids to school at 8am in the morning and then their dad or I can’t pick them up until 6pm. They go to after school care from 3 to 6pm. I feel so terrible that they are not coming home from school and having snacks and playing at home like other kids. I have to work since my husband and I broke up although we tried to work it out that I could stay at home with the kids for a while the costs of running two homes was just too much and I had to get a full-time job. Does anyone else feel this bad? My mum just says how sad it is and can’t understand why I have to work but she and dad never divorced.

Janie from Northmead

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Janie,

I’m so sorry this is making you so upset. There are many women in your position and most of us suffer from working mother’s guilt from being away from our kids. It is only natural as we want everything for our kids, which is one of the reasons that we work.

Although life is not always ideal, you are doing your best and that is commendable. I do know that kids do have fun at after school care. They’re usually with their friends and get a chance to do their schoolwork in a helpful environment.

I find it’s really nice to put notes in my kids’ lunchboxes and tell them how much I love them and can’t wait to see them at the end of the day. Perhaps you could try this.

I’m sorry about your mum’s views, but times have changed and the one income family, especially in separated families, is rarely enough these days. Eventually, you and your kids will get used to this arrangement, and as they get older the arrangements will change with sport and friends and they will spend less time at after school care. Don’t be so hard on yourself, as you are doing only your best.

Julie

Dear Julie,

I just don’t know what to do. I love my husband but I just don’t know what is happening in our marriage anymore. In the last three months he has just gone off having sex with me and I was finding it really upsetting, but as he is 10 years older than me I put it down to maybe his age and thought it was unfair of me to bring it up. But lately he kept looking really red in the face. I noticed he had some new pills and I asked him if they were good for him as it seemed to make his face go red. He got really angry and stormed out. I took one of the pills to my doctor to get him to look at it and he told me they were Viagra. I was so embarrassed as the doctor kept saying how he was obviously trying to please me etc and I couldn’t tell him we hadn’t slept together for months. What do I do? Now it all makes sense because he has been working more and talking about this new girl at work who he thinks is just going to be the new superstar and he is obviously seeing her! I love him and I don’t want my marriage to end.

Karen from Port Macquarie

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Karen,

I am hearing about women finding Viagra in their husbands drawers when suspecting an affair so often now that it’s scary. However, this does not prove he is having an affair with this girl or any other yet.

What you need to do, and I know this will be hard, is to face him and talk to him about how you are feeling. He must know that if you have not had sex for some months that you will feeling things are not right. You need to talk about it. Don’t make allegations, just state the facts which are that you want to improve your relationship and that sex is an important part. Also tell him you are worried about these pills and you know what they are and will he discuss it with you.

If you don’t talk to him you will begin to make up stories in your head and these could be a long way from the truth. Give your husband a chance to explain himself before you come to any more conclusions. The unknown is the worst thing of all. Once you know what the situation is you will be able to deal with it. Do this as soon as you can, as the longer you leave the worse you will feel. Talk to others in the chat room for moral support if you need it.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

I have been separated for 2 years now and I go through times sometimes when I am just so down. Last week was one of them. My husband and I separated after I found out he was having an affair with his secretary which had been going on for some time. We had been married for 9 years and I was devastated. At first he decided the best form of defence was attack and so when I found out he just said we were better off apart and he loved this girl anyway. 6 months later he wanted to come home. By this time I was over him I thought. I had felt a surge of adrenaline and power at making my decision to leave and I did not want to have him back. But now, 2 years on the struggle is not fun anymore. Being a single mum is hard and lonely. Managing the kids and the finances and juggling everything on my own is so hard I now wonder whether I have done the right thing. Should I have let go? I wonder does anyone feel this way about their marriage?

Tania

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Tania,

This is not unusual. I have seen a lot of people go through this, both men and women. It is natural and called frequently the “emotional swinging”. Your emotions will swing one way to another in the early stage of a separation. When you are feeling stressed you will find that you will swing to the way of thinking you may have made a mistake, and when you feel OK you will know you have made the right decision. What you need to do is LET GO of your past relationship and stop thinking about whether you made the right decision. It is done, and now the key to your happiness is to move on and work on yourself and your new life.

When you are down nothing can seem right, not only your former decisions about your marriage or anything else. When you are in this mood try not to think about the past, but try to engage yourself in things that make you feel good about yourself and your new life. Of course, when any relationship ends there will be things you miss. There will be times you will get lonely, but hang in there and you will find your way, your journey will make you grow and take you to a new beginning.

None of us really like change, and it is hard to adjust to change and make new beginnings but this can also be exciting.

I have seen many people who have been in your position, and I have seen them grow and go on to new and exciting lives. They have found peace and happiness, and they look back at their former relationships with fondness from the acceptance that they are now where they should be. Your emotional pendulum will not swing so madly with time and with acceptance that you need to let go. Eventually it will stop and you will find balance in your life and happiness with where you are.